Bum Reviews: Halo 4
by DinoJake
Summary: Wake up, Chester.


_And now it's time for Bum Reviews. With Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's review..._**Halo 4**

...

OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!

My Spoilers are Humanity's destiny!

So there's this guy, named the Master Chief!

And he gets waken from cryo by his AI sidekick Cortana!

AND THE MASTER CHIEF IS LIKE:

"I need to pee."

"What?"

"I need to pee."

"But we've got moment on the dawn."

"It's been _four__ years, woman_! Pee first, then shooting."

So the Master Chief and Cortana investigate the disturbance on the ship!

And they find THE COVENANT!

AND THE MASTER CHIEF IS LIKE:

"Wait, aren't the Sangheili our buddies now?"

"Only some of them. The Sangheili have a civil war on their hands, and we're fighting the bad ones!"

"Wow, that sounds interesting! How can I learn more about it?"

"By going down to your local bookstore and buying _Halo: Glasslands_!"

"Wait, I have to buy a book to get the explanation behind this"

"Yup!"

"Isn't anyone going to explain this situation to me later in the game?"

"Nope!"

"Really? They're not even gonna give me the footnotes or-"

"Do you wanna read or do you wanna shoot things?"

"...I wanna shoot things."

"Yeah. That's what I thought. Now move it."

So the Master Chief and Cortana go to the missile deck to blow up a Covenant cruiser!

AND CORTANA IS LIKE:

"The cruiser's shields are down, so that missile *hello my baby hello my honey* should do the job."

"Cortana, are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"...No reason."

So they blow up the Covenant cruiser!

HOORAY!

But they get sucked in by a giant metal planet.

Huroo.

AND CORTANA'S LIKE:

"I have a confession to make John. I'm eight years old now, which means I'm going rampant!"

"Don't worry, Cortana. Once we get back to Earth, we'll take you to Dr. Halsey and she'll fix you right up!"

"Brilliant plan! Nothing can go wrong!"

AND THEN:

The Master Chief finds a warthog!

AND THEN:

They drive by the huge piece of scenery porn that's contractually required in every Halo game!

AND THEN:

They start getting garbled transmission from the UNSC infiminiminity!

AND CORTANA'S LIKE:

"The Infinity's heading towards this planet! They'll get sucked in like we were. You've got to go to these locations and turn off the signal jammers!"

"Got it!"

So the Master Chief and Cortana try to turn off the signal jammers!

But in doing so, they release THE DIDACT!

And so the Didact force-chokes the Chief!

AND THE DIDACT IS LIKE:

"Time was your ally...but now it has abandoned you."

AND THE MASTER CHIEF IS LIKE:

"...Keith Szarabajka? Is that you?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Cortana. Check imdb."

"Yeah, that's Keith, Chief."

"Oh my God, this is such an honor! I LOVED you in Mass Effect 2!"

"..."

"Come on. Say 'assuming direct control.' Come on, say it! Say it!"

"...I'm going to leave now. Also, I'm going to leave you here to die."

So the Didact escapes from the core of the planet!

But Chief escapes the core's destruction through a portal!

AND THEN:

He sees the infinimity crash!

AND THEN:

He fights his way through Covenant Promalamamethians to the crash site!

AND THEN:

He meets Commander Lasky!

AND LASKY IS LIKE:

"Wow, Master Chief! Never thought I'd see you again!"

"Yes...again. Mind refreshing my memory?"

"Nope."

"God damn it!"

Hey 343! Stop turning the expanded universe into homework!

So the Master Chief and a bunch of marines try to unlock a door!

AND THE MASTER CHIEF IS LIKE:

"Cortana, how's that door coming?"

"_It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again..._"

"What?"

"I mean, it's open!"

So the Chief helps a bunch of Spartan-Fours save the infamous!

I WAS A SPARTAN-IV ONCE!

I was kicked out after I killed my CO with a tank.

Though in my defense, he came back as a ghost.

No. He was actually an AI. Like, the whole time.

Anyone else think RvB's plot is kind of hard to follow?

But I digress.

So the Master Chief meets the Captain of the ship!

AND THE CAPTAIN'S LIKE:

"We need to take out this gravity well so we can get out of here."

"Get out of here? Sir, we need to attack the Didact! He's vulnerable!"

"So are we."

"...How the hell are we vulnerable? I mean yeah, we're a little banged up but this is still the most powerful warship in the UNSC fleet!"

"Are you captain?"

"No."

"Then it's agreed! We run like cowards!"

So the Master Chief and Cortana go to take down the gravity well!

And there they meet THE LIBRARIAN!

AND THE LIBRARIAN IS LIKE:

"The Prometheans are actually ancient Humans. The Didact wanted to use them against the Flood, but we weren't willing to sacrifice an entire race to destroy the Flood, not even our most ancient enemy."

AND THE MASTER CHIEF IS LIKE:

"Wait, we're your enemy? I thought we were your descendants."

"Retcon."

"What about the Didact being your husband? Was that a retcon too?"

"No. The Didact is actually my..._ex_-husband."

"Oooooh."

"Yeah, the divorce was kinda nasty. I think he's trying to wipe out your whole species just to spite me."

So the Master Chief heads back to the infinimity with this new info!

AND THE CAPTAIN IS LIKE:

"Ah yes, 'the Composer.' I've dismissed that claim."

Wait a minute.

First Keith Szarabajka voices an ancient villain with a superiority complex.

Then we meet an obstructive bureaucrat who won't heed our warnings about the enemy.

And now he's calling us crazy due to having visions from the ancient past.

Guess all those writers EA fired after buying out Bioware found new jobs at 343.

AND CORTANA IS LIKE:

"You can't just leave this planet! If you do, **I WILL EAT YOUR BABY'S HEART!**"

AND THE CAPTAIN IS LIKE:

"Give me that chip!"

AND THE CHIEF IS LIKE:

"No sir."

"...Dude. Seriously. Give me the chip. The bitch is crazy."

"Oh, what could go wrong?"

So Lasky gives Chief an armed pelican so he could stop the Didact while the ifiniminini runs off to warn Earth!

AND CORTAN IS LIKE:

"I think I can stop the Didact's ship from leaving by - I WANT YOU OFF THE FUCKIN' SET YOU PRICK!"

"Cortana!"

"NO! DON'T JUST BE SORRY! _THINK _FOR ONE FUCKIN' SECOND!"

"Cortana, stop yelling at imaginary sound guys and focus before-"

*The spires around the Didact's ship fall.*

"That happens. Screw it, I'm jumping."

So the Master Chief hops on board one of the Didact's ships and goes into Slipspace!

And on the other side they find HALO!

So then the Chief breaks into the Covenant ship and kills everyone aboard! And then he puts Cortana at the wheel!

"Cortana, are you sure you're okay to drive?"

"Don't worry Chief! I'm a-oka-BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBL * has stopped working*

"God damn Rampancy!"

*CRASH*

So the Chief fights his way through the base!

And he finds out that the base has THE COMPOSER!

And the Didact wants it!

*GASP*

You mean his evil plan is to compose the Dvorak Symphony No. 9 in E Major?!

But that piece is supposed to be performed in E Minor!

The fiend!

So the Didact takes the Composer!

And uses it to compose all the Humans on the station!

Which involves peeling their bodies layer by layer.

First their skin, then their muscles, then their bones.

JESUS CHRIST!

343 has a serious horror-boner!

Must be those Bioware writers again.

So the Chief takes a broadsword to follow the Didact's ship through a slipspace portal!

Bye Halo! Thanks for the pointless cameo slash continuity nod!

And the Chief flies through an obstacle course to get to the Didact!

That was my favorite part of the game.

MORE ANCIENT ALIEN SHIPS NEED OBSTACLE COURSES!

So the ship comes out of slipspace near Earth!

And then the IMMUNITY SHOWS UP!

And then it blows a hole in the Didact's ship for the Chief to fly through!

HOORAY!

But then the broadword crashes.

Huroo.

So Chief grabs the bomb so he could can blow the composer from the inside!

And then Cortana makes copies of herself!

"There! All my crazy clones can overwhelm the Composer's shield!"

"You mean like how you've been 'overwhelming' me?"

"I resent that remar - CAN I HAZ CHEEZEBURGERZ?!"

"...After the mission."

So the Master Chief fights through a whole bunch of promies as he tries to get to all the terminals so Cortana can overwhelm the Didact with sheer bitchiness!

But then Cortana's terminal blows up!

Cortanaaaaaa!

So the Chief runs to the light bridge to throw the bomb into the Composer!

But then he hears Cortana's whispers on the way!

"We'll protect you..."

"Save them..."

Damn it, Bioware writers. STOP THAT!

AND THEN:

The Chief charges at the Composer!

AND THEN:

The Didact shows up and force chokes him!

AND THEN:

Dozens of Cortanas show up to chain the Didact up and save the Chief!

AND THEN:

Chief plants a grenade on the Didact!

*KABOOM!*

And the Didact falls into the black hole thingy!

HOORAY!

So Master Chief is crawling to the bomb!

AND THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LIKE!

Come on, Chief! You can do it!

Come on, everyone! Master Chief is made out of the hopes and dreams of people everywhere!

Maybe, just maybe, if we wish hard enough, he can make it to the bomb.

Come on, people. Let's show what it truly means...to _believe_.

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

Come on, all you people out there! Everyone who ever cared about a treasured icon!

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

Come on! Say it with me!

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

That's it!

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

We believe in Master Chief!

Oh wait. I can just push forward on the control stick. Never mind.

So the Chief detonates the bomb!

HOORAY!

And he survives!

DOUBLE-HOORAY!

And he's in the...matrix...for some reason.

And Cortana's human-sized...for some reason.

"You did it, John. Just like you always do."

"How do we get out of here?"

"...I'm not coming with you this time."

"What?"

"The rest of me is down there."

"No that's-that's not happening. We go together. I'm not leaving you here!"

So Cortana touches Chief's armor.

"...I've waited so long to do that."

"...I was supposed to take care of you."

"We were supposed to take care of each other. And we did."

AND THE WHOLE TIME I WAS LIKE:

I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna WAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

Damn it, Bioware writers!

"Welcome home John."

And then Cortana dies.

...Not gonna cry...*sniff*

So Lasky and the Chief meet up on the infinity.

Wow, I'm so upset I said that name right.

AND LASKY'S LIKE:

"I'm sorry about what happened."

"A soldier's job is to protect Humanity at any cost sir."

"You say that like Humans and soldiers are two different things. Soldiers aren't machines. We're all just people, Chief."

"...She said that about me once. About being a machine."

AND I'M LIKE:

DAMN IT BIOWARE WRITERS!

STOP GIVING ME ALL THESE FEELS!

Finally, after the credits roll we get a cutscene of the Master Chief getting his armor removed!

Finally! The moment we've all been waiting for!

We're finally going to see the Master Chief's face!

So they lift up his helmet and...

The screen cuts to black.

SON OF A WHORE!

THIS GAME REALLY DID HAVE BIOWARE WRITERS!

This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE?! YA GOT CHANGE?! AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!

Come on, man! I need money for tissues! These damn feels keep making my eyes and nose leak!

...

**Seriously though. Halo 4 was great, and the ending really did make me tear up a little.**


End file.
